The Waiting Game

Do any of the following statements sound familiar to you? If they do, you may have a wait management problem.

“After I finish finals, then I’ll focus on getting healthier.” “Once I lose ___ pounds, then I’ll start dating again.”

“As soon as I’m not so busy, then I’ll finally learn how to play the guitar really well.”

“After I finish this season of “Sex Education,” then I’ll start looking for internships/grad programs/better jobs...”

Welcome, my friend, to The Waiting Game. Yes, it’s a game. One that you play alone and one that ultimately plays you…right into not living the life you want or getting the things you want out of it. We humans can be very susceptible to the life approach in which we keep putting off doing the things that we 1) must do like schoolwork, our jobs, cleaning the litterbox (okay, that one may have slipped in there because I have a certain feline, who is clearly unimpressed with my recent efforts, staring at me as I type), 2) hope to do like be in a relationship or take that trip to Africa, 3) want to accomplish like getting to the point where we can actually play that excellent drum solo on Crazy=Genius instead of just air-sticking it, or 4) complete the steps necessary to achieve a much bigger long term goal or aspiration like attend medical/vet/law/drama school, buy a house, run a marathon (ouch), move to New Zealand (Hobbiton!), etc.

So, if you want to feel healthier, get involved with someone, tear it up on a guitar or the golf course, or become a doctor, lawyer, engineer, pastry chef, graphic designer, gardener or actor…why do you wait to do the very things that will help you reach your goal? Good question. Fortunately, I have the answer. Okay, to be fair and transparent, I have AN answer. Personally, I think it’s a pretty good answer but it’s also unlikely that I would be writing it down if I thought it sucked. But in truth, there are many reasons why a person may procrastinate or avoid doing things, and this will not be the only time I write about it. You can decide for yourself if this example makes sense to you and can be applied to your own life experience.

This feels like a good place for the wisdom of soothing, big-haired painter Bob Ross. He said, “Talent is a pursued interest. Anything you’re willing to work at, you can do.”

(Painting by Tracy)

So, why do we put off putting in the work? The answer to that will vary from person-to-person. One possibility is that your goal isn’t a realistic goal as much as it’s a fun fantasy. For example, I want to be fluent in French and play guitar like Eddie Van Halen (RIP). Now here is the important bit: I do not want to learn French or learn to play the guitar; I just want to be able to do it. I’m not motivated to put in the hard work to achieve either of those results (yes, I realize that no one played the guitar like Eddie). However, I did want to be a psychologist and was motivated enough to invest many years and many more dollars (so many dollars) to learn all of the things necessary to accomplish that goal. I would love it if I could just speak French but I’m not going to invest my time to learn because…nah.

Another possible reason why you wait to begin something is the result of thinking too big, too soon, and freaking yourself out. When I first considered a doctorate in psychology, I got a program manual and I looked at what you do in the final year. Then I proceeded to make a big bowl of mashed potatoes with extra butter and watch Harry Potter movies because I was as likely to become a wizard as I was a psychologist and my wizarding education was free. My hopes? Dashed. Optimism? Battered. Self-confidence? Mashed like my dinner. “Well, what happened?” I assume you asked. Let’s start with what happened first: I looked too far ahead. I looked at what I would be expected to know after several years of intense study and clinical training. The key word is after. I didn’t look at the first classes I would take; I skipped right to the final stretch! I assure you, that is not a helpful leap. In that moment, I just focused on everything I didn’t already know rather than look at the process of how I would get to the final steps.

Having a big picture goal as a framework can be helpful and give you direction. Just try not to read the last chapter of the program manual first or you’ll probably end up eating a lot of potatoes while trying to accio more butter from the couch nest you’ve made. So, rather than start with the marathon, maybe just run to the telephone pole first, and then catch your breath.

Another way in which you may sabotage yourself is by waiting for conditions to be perfect before you begin. It’s never going to be perfect. Ever. Life will keep throwing challenges at you whether you start writing that novel or not. And the Boston Marathon will happen on schedule even if you never put on your running shoes. Yes, it sucks that to become really good at something, you have to spend a lot of time being not good at it first. I am the queen of the half-finished piano piece. If I just kept practicing, I would eventually get through the difficult passage and then I would know how to play the entire song, right? (I never said I had to be doing everything right in order to write a blog.) Time is going to pass whether you take that first step toward what you want or not. However, if you do take that step, you can go to sleep knowing that you made a move in the right direction. So, figure out what you really want and are willing to invest your time and effort into achieving, and then start at the beginning and celebrate every step you take forward.

Thanks for reading. You’ve been Smudged!

Tracy

Please note: the information in these blogs is not intended to be used to diagnose yourself or someone you know and especially not someone you’re currently mad at... These blogs are intended for general psychoeducation and entertainment. The information is not intended to replace the medical or psychiatric advice you would receive when working with a mental health professional. It is always okay to ask for help! I encourage you to do so if you’re struggling or just need some extra care and support. If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 988 or text “Help” to 741741, call 911 or visit your nearest emergency room. There are many people ready and eager to help you.