Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

When someone is more than difficult: Dealing with a Narcissist.

Parent, Partner, Sibling, Colleague, Lover, Friend…

Any relationship can be unhealthy to the point of making you sick.

(Image static.veteezy.com)

Understanding Narcissism in Today’s Culture

There are a lot of buzzwords permeating popular culture and one of the more overused and misunderstood is “narcissist” or “narcissistic.” As a clinical or diagnostic descriptor used by mental health professionals, it carries a different weight than the ways in which it is often used to characterize or insult someone in casual conversation. On tv, in films, and on social media, I routinely see people describing their ex or their former friend as “so toxic” or “a complete narcissist.” The term has become synonymous with “selfish,” “arrogant,” “self-absorbed,” “vain,” and other such words that describe unpleasant behaviors that may be the result of immaturity, a lack of self-awareness, poor social skills, or garden variety jack-assery.

Not All Narcissism Is Equal

Developmentally, adolescents may exhibit a kind of transient narcissism that helps them

become more independent and individuate from their parents. However, most of them grow out of it as their self-awareness, critical thinking skills, awareness of others, and empathy emerge in greater force with time and maturity.

What If the Behavior Never Stops?

But what if someone isn’t just being an ass because they had a bad day or are a really frustrated teenager or are hurt by a recent break-up? What if someone’s behavior is consistently hurtful, manipulative, cruel, controlling, and volatile? Now we’re getting into the enduring behavioral patterns that may indicate someone is highly narcissistic – in the clinical sense.

A Note on Clinical Language vs. Pop Psychology

Before I continue, I want to point out that narcissism exists on a spectrum: we all have some of it. Some individuals have much more than is desirable or healthy, and some people could really use a bit more of it! Using the descriptor “narcissistic” or “narcissist” is NOT interchangeable with the diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). A person can be quite narcissistic without meeting the full diagnostic criteria of NPD just like a person can be very sad without meeting the full diagnostic criteria for a Major Depressive Disorder. Therefore, what I am describing in this blog post are behaviors that can range from problematic to highly damaging and abusive.

This is where healing from narcissistic abuse begins: recognizing it’s not about a one-time fight—it’s about enduring, harmful patterns.

Informative, Not Diagnostic

Therefore, this blog should not be printed off and sent to your mutual

friends/parents/employers or anyone else as a means of establishing that the person in your world who is making you miserable has a diagnosis of NPD. Only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose it. Consider this blog as informative but not absolute. It is, after all, discussing human behavior…not math. Or the cuteness of kittens. 😊

Is It Just a Rough Patch—Or Something Deeper?

So, how do you know if your relationship just needs work or if it’s really unhealthy? Here are a few questions that I ask clients about romantic relationships/work relationships/friendships:

Red Flags in Narcissistic Relationships

• Do you have a list of things that automatically mean he will be in a bad mood so you prepare to adjust your behavior accordingly to ensure you don’t make him angry?

  
  

• Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells until you can assess their current mood? Do you tiptoe around the other person as if making one wrong move will potentially cause a huge fight and ruin the entire evening, if not several days?

  
  

• Do you often feel confused by how the person can be so warm, loving, and generous

  one day but cold, mean, judgmental and mocking during so many other days of the

  week?

  
  

• Do you spend a lot of time trying to decipher exactly why that rare wonderful day happened? Do you believe that if you can just figure out the secret formula, you will

  know how to recreate whatever circumstances led to the other person’s great mood

  and then the relationship will feel good more than only once in a while?

  
  

• Do you feel like you aren’t allowed complaints about the other person’s behavior? That it’s your responsibility to make things better and your fault if things are worse?

  
  

• Do you often feel like you’ve been talked out of your feelings? As if your anger, hurt,

  jealousy, pain, and confusion have been such an inconvenience to the other person that you end up apologizing and feeling like (or are told) you’re being “too sensitive,” “too emotional” and of course, that you “can’t even take a joke.”

  
  

• And finally, do you want to secretly record your conversations so you would have incontrovertible proof that they really did say those cruel, spiteful, hateful things to

  you? To prove that they really RAGE, and yell, and scream at you, and defend their own behaviors by attacking your character with baseless accusations, while claiming they are the victim and entitled to be upset? (The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power, Season 2 does an excellent job of portraying this kind of manipulative, gaslighting, cruel behavior with Sauron. Despite knowing the story, seeing it had me squirming with discomfort.)

What Narcissistic Abuse Really Looks Like

If you answered “yes,” then you may be in a relationship with a narcissist. Naturally, people do behave badly at times but there will likely be some self-awareness and remorse. A narcissist won’t be self-aware or remorseful unless it is performative in order to get what they want. Behaving badly will be the norm for a narcissist and they won’t want to hear about it! If you assert that they are mistreating you, it will be considered a betrayal (Mind you, only in their eyes - talk to me about it and trust me, I’ll be saying, “That’s fucked up and there is no excuse for it”). There will be overblown rage or stony sulking, and accusations about what a horrible, disloyal person you are for saying something so unwarranted, unfair, and untrue.

The narcissistic person will portray themselves as the long-suffering, unappreciated, selfless person who doesn’t understand what they did to deserve such harsh and unfair treatment. Pay attention and the “victim vibe” will be loud and clear. They may seem devastated at the slightest criticism or they may lash out in rage first, and then freeze you out for hours or even days. And then they sit back and watch you try to fix it because they have managed to make it all about your lack of understanding, your lack of supportiveness, and your (imaginary) failings.

Living in a Haunted House

They twist you into a bundle of anxieties, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and a belief that if you can do better and be better, they will return to the version of themselves that is less volatile, less “deeply wounded but with a constant, underlying, simmering rage,” and things can be pleasant again. Until the next time.

A relationship with a narcissist is going to frequently feel like you’re living in a haunted house where you are constantly anticipating that something or someone will jump out at you and scare you. You’re never certain from which dark corner the ambush will come. A relationship with a narcissist will make you feel shaky, jumpy, anxious, crazy, confused, and like you are constantly failing an exam that you didn’t know you had to take and for which you definitely received no study materials or guidance.

The emotional chaos, confusion, and erosion of self-worth that occurs in these relationships is exactly what healing from narcissistic abuse seeks to address.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse Starts With Support Outside the Relationship

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it is important that you find support outside of that relationship to help you build yourself up, be more resilient, and get your needs met. Working with a therapist who really understands narcissism and the accompanying abusive, antagonistic relational dynamics that play out can provide significant guidance and support for navigating your choice to stay or leave such situations.

Additionally, I highly recommend resources by Dr. Ramani Durvasula and Shahida

Arabi.

The newest Smudged Inkblot team member and I will be back with more on narcissistic

relationships…

Juniper Cricket Toothless, Intern and Heating Pad Enthusiast.

Thanks for reading! You’ve been Smudged,

-Tracy

Feeling Seen? Want to Go Deeper?

If this post resonated with you, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to untangle this kind of pain by yourself. I offer online therapy for survivors of narcissistic abuse across Minnesota, helping people rebuild their sense of self, find clarity, and breathe easier again.

If you're on the path of healing from narcissistic abuse, I’m here to help.

I'm also starting a group that will be called something like “Detoxing from Narcissistic Partners”—a space for healing, connection, and learning how to break free from the cycle of confusion, self-blame, and emotional chaos.

- Want to work together?- Curious about the group?- Just want to receive future posts and reflections on surviving and thriving after narcissistic abuse?

Reach out for a free 15-minute consultation or join my mailing list to receive future blog posts!

Your healing deserves support—and you don’t have to do it alone.