Words Matter - Using “Narcissist” as a casual insult dilutes the meaning of what is a devastating form of abuse.

In my previous blog - “When Someone Is More Than Difficult: Dealing with a Narcissist” - I

differentiate between some of the buzzwords currently in use and explain why “narcissistic” isn’t an appropriate descriptor for every behavior by a jerk that displeases or upsets someone. “Toxic” is another buzzword people use interchangeably with “narcissistic” as a way to quickly label a person who has pissed them off. I admit that I am concerned about people casually using those terms because it dilutes the meaning of words that are intended to capture the pervasive and insidious behavioral patterns that literally ruin people’s lives and cause extraordinary amounts of trauma. Words matter. Therefore, I hope people will be conscientious about how they describe someone if they’re going to use words as heavily charged as these and will consider what they’re really trying to say.

For example, you may have a relationship with someone that you describe as “toxic” but is not what I would define as abusive or narcissistic. Imagine someone who is just not very good for you: they make you feel insecure or competitive; they seem to influence you to behave in ways that don’t really align with your values; they are inconsistent and regularly bail on plans; they don’t reciprocate and invite you to hang out; they don’t respond to calls/texts/snaps promptly or consistently; and maybe they just really bug the shit out of you, although, you’re not always sure why. A relationship/friendship like that may feel bad for you, for whatever reasons. The person in question is not being abusive to you as much as they are being inconsiderate or they just aren’t your cup of tea. But they are not deliberately trying to demean, manipulate, or hurt you. Maybe they’re immature or self-absorbed or just a Slytherin to your Hufflepuff (no offense to the Slytherin folks as I have one in my family who is the absolute best). Whatever the reason, you don’t do well with that person and you tend to regret the time invested in the relationship. You will likely feel aggravated, frustrated, disappointed, and even insulted by them. Nonetheless, you can most likely also move on from the relationship fairly easily without fear of reprisals and free of the trauma that is embedded in abusive relationships. So, I would not describe a relationship like that as “toxic” but instead say that it isn’t really healthy for you. It doesn’t make you feel particularly good, but it isn’t doing long-term or permanent damage. It’s more like the flu than botulism; unpleasant, but you get over it and then you feel fine. Unhealthy, but not toxic

Let me also highlight what “toxic” is not in a relationship: It is not a person being annoying; a person being occasionally inconsiderate or short-tempered; a person feeling a bit jealous or insecure; a person needing a bit more attention from you; a person needing a bit less attention from you; or a person needing to take some space for themselves. Those are all natural experiences that may cause aggravation or worry, but they are pretty standard relationship issues. So, let’s not accuse someone of being toxic when they’re simply being…human.

A narcissistic or highly antagonistic relationship, however, is a very different situation. It is not merely annoying or one in which you feel taken for granted or underappreciated. At its worst, a narcissistic relationship erodes every part of you and endangers your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. It may even endanger your life. Even a relationship with someone who is only mildly narcissistic can cause increases in anxiety, sleep issues, depression, and undermine your self-esteem and self-confidence. (Remember from my last blog that narcissism exists on a spectrum from “Extremely low and could actually use a bit more” to “Run! Run like you’re on fire!”) The challenge is to recognize the extent to which your relationship is unhealthy.

One of the most insidious parts of narcissistic abuse is the gaslighting that convinces you that you’re the problem, that you’re overreacting, and that your memory of how things happened is completely unreliable and based on fantasies of persecution due to your paranoia. So let me be clear: IT’S NOT YOU. You are not the problem. You don’t deserve to be mistreated. You are not too sensitive or high strung or too uptight to take a “joke” because you can’t just laugh off being mocked. It is never your fault if someone chooses to be abusive to you. The fault lies with the abuser. Period. Unfortunately, people often suffer a great deal before they recognize the relationship for what it is: something that is literally making them sick (which is why I will use the word “toxic” in this context). We humans are complex creatures and can be slow to accept that something really is bad for us - even when it makes us feel like shit more often than not.

Sometimes the idea that your relationship is not just challenging or going through a rough patch is introduced to you by other people. A psychologist or therapist may be the first person to say to you, “What you’re describing is abuse.” I have had to say those words countless times to different clients. Family and friends may be non-committal when asked if they like your partner: “He seems nice enough” or “If she makes you happy, that’s what counts.” Such lackluster endorsements may give rise to concerns that they don’t really like your partner. And certainly, if they’ve only spent time with them once or twice, they may not yet know them well enough to form strong opinions about them. However, if they have spent ample time with the two of you, and have successfully avoided saying anything positive about your partner when asked, that is worth noting. Granted, sometimes people just don’t click with other people and it’s nothing more sinister than differences in personality and temperament.

What your friends and family may openly say are things like the fact that they barely see you anymore. They may openly wonder why you’re rarely available to talk on the phone and why you won’t do anything social without your partner anymore. They may express surprise at activities you’ve suddenly undertaken (or abandoned) and find it unusual that you are suddenly dressed-up and made-up at all times or more self-conscious about your appearance …when you’ve always confidently lived in t-shirts and jeans. They may remark that you’ve been incorporated into your partner’s life but your partner seems completely uninterested in being a part of yours. Your friends may tease you about being a trophy or arm-candy or say you seem totally different. It may feel teasing but have an undertone of seriousness to it that confuses you. There may be one or two people who will actually state they don’t like or trust the narcissist. Expect to have that person badmouthed to you by your partner as he or she tries to drive a wedge between you because narcissists don’t like people they can’t charm and manipulate.

As the person in the relationship with the narcissist, you will experience the antagonistic, toxic behaviors that are the hallmarks of narcissistic abuse: manipulation; verbal, emotional, and/or physical abuse; gaslighting; minimization; invalidation; leveraging or weaponizing your experiences, struggles, insecurities, trauma, pain, emotions, mistakes, and fear against you; explosive rage; isolating you and interfering with your friendships and family relationships; coercive control; withholding financial support, affection, praise or compliments, conversation, attention, intimacy, and even time with your children or pets; incessant criticism, shaming, and judging; mocking and humiliating you…and then accusing you of being “too sensitive/melodramatic/having no sense of humor/being too high maintenance or too fragile,” and sadly, this list could continue for many pages. There are people who behave in all of those ways in relationships and they literally make their partners feel sick. If you are in a relationship with that kind of person, you probably feel sick with fear, worry, depression, self-doubt, insecurity, anger, anxiety, shame, and you feel trapped. You may see no way out of the narcissistic relationship and as time goes on, you feel your life and yourself becoming smaller and smaller as you are overwhelmed by the narcissist’s behaviors and toxic energy.

** Some chocolate or tea or a snuggle with a pet may be a good idea right now. If reading about these abusive behaviors is causing you anxiety or distress, please take a break and go outside for some fresh air and sunshine. Put on a funny show you enjoy or call a friend. If you need to talk or text with a qualified mental health professional, please go to the bottom of the blog for crisis and support resources.

Breaking free of a narcissistic relationship is extremely difficult. When your self-esteem and confidence and belief in yourself have been ground down to dust by your abuser, and he or she have isolated you to the point of believing that you have no one else to help you nor anyone who would even believe what is happening to you…trying to imagine, much less plan, a life free of them is daunting and frightening. However, here is the important truth: people do leave narcissistic relationships; people do get free of their abusers; people do recover from that abuse and eventually thrive. It can be done with a lot of support and understanding from others (friends, family, professionals who understand narcissistic abuse) and especially, by holding a lot of compassion for yourself. It may be a long road and it will be difficult, but you can do it. And on the other side is freedom and healing.

Thank you for reading. Until next time, be gentle with yourself and know there is help available.

You’ve been Smudged,

Tracy

If you are interested in participating in an online therapeutic support group for those

experiencing narcissistic abuse, please contact me at tracy@grouptherapycentral.com for information.

Crisis Resources:

If you are in crisis and need immediate support, please call 988 or dial 911 or go to your local emergency room. You can also text HELP to 741741, the crisis text line.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233 (SAFE). They offer phone, text and chat support as well as safety protocols on their webpage to prevent tracking your use of their website. They offer a Directory of Local Providers to help people locate support and resources in their area. Their webpage is https://www.thehotline.org/

Other resources:

“Should I Stay or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist” by Dr. Ramani

Durvasula. She also has a YouTube channel with hundreds of helpful videos about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.