“But it Was SO Great in the Beginning!”
- Tracy Brottem, PsyD
- Jun 16
- 7 min read
From Love Bombing to Blowing Up Your Life: A Romance with a Narcissist is Happily Never After.
One of the most difficult and painful aspects of being in a narcissistic relationship is the shame a person feels for getting involved with a narcissist in the first place. As tempting as it is to believe that if you learn enough, are educated enough, wary enough, and experienced enough, you cannot be lured into a narcissistic relationship, you would be wrong. Very, very, very wrong. Yet time-and-again, I hear people vilify themselves for being in such a relationship. Despite the fact that someone’s dating profile or first date small talk typically does not include comments like,
“Hey, I love dogs, skiing, classic rock, and I’m a narcissist.”
Abusers don’t typically advertise their abusive tendencies. A narcissist is especially challenging because they can be extremely charming. (In fact, if you wanted me to meet someone because they are “so charming,” I will quite possibly run the other way and change my name.) What a narcissist will advertise is their ability to craft a continuous barrage of romance-heavy attentions guaranteed to sway even the most pragmatic, guarded, or cynical person. These attentions are intended to sweep away any hesitation or caution that a person feels so that they drop their guard and grant the narcissist access into their life. It’s called LOVE BOMBING, and it enables the narcissist to lull you into a false sense of security. They learn what is compelling to a given individual and craft a seductive, idealized version of themselves to attract you. Then they turn your life into a hellscape of mixed signals, crushing disappointment, confusion, anxiety, and relentless self-doubt.
What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic commonly used by narcissists and other emotionally abusive individuals. It involves overwhelming someone with attention, affection, compliments, gifts, and promises early in a relationship in order to quickly gain trust, emotional attachment, and influence. While it may initially feel romantic and exciting, love bombing often serves as the first stage of a pattern that later includes control, manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse.
So, how can you tell if a potential match is love bombing you or is just really romantic? Well, the old adage “if it seems too good to be true, it probably is” certainly has merit. Other indications that someone may be love bombing you include moving really fast in the relationship and proclaiming things like “you are my soulmate,” “the love of my life,” or
“everything I ever wanted,” really early in the relationship. Certainly, some people do fall in
love very quickly and have healthy relationships. We’ve all heard those romantic stories about a genuinely happy couple celebrating their 50 th wedding anniversary who married after a very brief courtship. However, those stories are not something on which to base your own expectations. A narcissist may tell you that you “saved” them, that you are the reason for their happiness and why they get out of bed in the morning. They want to spend all of their free time with you and will blow off important things like work and other personal commitments in order to be with you because “nothing is more important” to them than you. It feels exciting, exhilarating, and like you’ve tripped and fallen headfirst into a Hallmark movie. You feel seen like they really understand you and are so curious to know everything about you. You’re finally dating a grown-up who is put together! You’re finally with someone adventurous and exciting and passionate! You don’t feel anxious with this person - wondering when or if they’ll call or text - because they are so attentive. Or maybe they’re a bit of mess, vulnerable, and have had some hard breaks, but you can help them, encourage them, support them, save them! And for the first time in your life, you apparently have no flaws! You are incapable of being anything less than luminous, breathtaking, fascinating, infallible, and perfect! The narcissistic will wax
poetic (often with actual poetry) about how beguiled they are by you, and how everything
about you and your story enchants them completely. Their over-the-top declarations – if
witnessed by friends or family – may be met with eye rolls and the passing of the Pepto Bismol to counteract the nausea.
Initially, you may be so caught up in the onslaught of extravagant romantic gestures and
seemingly perfect dates that you don’t question it. You receive all the attention you ever
thought you wanted plus gifts, surprises, excitement, spur-of-the-moment getaways, and
unlimited affection from this sexy, spontaneous, fun, extremely demonstrative person. You may also get an abundance of communication from the narcissist: multiple daily texts (“Thinking of you, my queen!”); phone calls; emails; notes on your car, etc. They will confirm your impression that they are always thinking about you. At times, you may notice feeling like it’s all a bit much, a bit obsessive. You may even feel overwhelmed by the excessive focus on you and crave a little space. Love bombing is not only grandiose and obsessive, it is also controlling. The narcissist wants to spend all of their time with you. They want to always know where you are and what you’re doing and who you’re with even in the very early days of the relationship. They may begin to ask you to spend less time with friends and family so you can be together. This can lead to isolating you from the parts of your life that don’t involve the narcissist.
Then your brain (your big, beautiful brain) steps in and reminds you that “this is what people DREAM of happening! This is what you deserve! This is what all of the songs and stories and movies are about so just enjoy it!! Stop sabotaging it because you think you aren’t worthy of it!” Yeah, that’s the beginning of a big problem. Your instincts start trying to tell you one thing and your brain talks you out of it. Even your closest friends and family may express some skepticism about the “perfect” person you’re involved with and try to encourage you to slow down a bit. But you don’t listen because it is all so exciting and romantic and passionate and you just get carried away…until you’re hooked by this seemingly agreeable, loving, generous, romantic person who treats you like a goddess (or a god). You are firmly established on that pedestal that they erected for you. You are finally ready to accept and believe that you deserve this glorious treatment because are ARE fabulous (which you unquestionably are, by the way). And that’s when it happens: you feel yourself topple off and land on a pile of rubble, next to the narcissistic who is pulverizing the base of that pedestal with a sledge hammer. You were bombed with romantic gestures and attentive behaviors meant to impersonate love and you’re
now left in the wreckage: bruised, stunned, and confused as your perfect person reveals an angry, critical, manipulative, vindictive, controlling, and cruel side of their personality that is absolutely shocking to you.
Sadly, it is from your vantage point in the rubble of your previous pedestal that you’re going to see the first glimpses of the narcissist’s enduring personality style. Eventually, you will realize that there is not going to be a “happily ever after” to the story. I’ve written about this previously but it bears repeating: a narcissist isn’t someone who is just a jerk or thoughtless or selfish or emotionally immature or is even a generally good person having a shitty day/week/month. A narcissistic personality means the person has a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, entitlement, manipulativeness, vindictiveness, invalidation and minimization of the feelings and experiences of others, gaslighting, and a lack of empathy. It isn’t just some of the time, it is all of the time, and although the narcissist can mask their nature for their own gain or advantage, it will eventually slip and their true personality will be revealed. They won’t show remorse for their hurtful behavior. In fact, there will probably be no recognition of their bad behavior whatsoever: they are right, you are wrong, and you deserved it. The new dynamic revealed in your relationship won’t change or improve in any real, lasting way no matter how hard you try to get things back to the way they were in the beginning. And that is a pretty harsh reality to face after experiencing love bombing for weeks and months on end. Which is why people cling to the memory of the early days when it all seemed SO good and they convince themselves that things will become good again if they can just do everything right and always look right and be really supportive and never annoy or inconvenience the narcissist. Thus, the vicious cycle begins and it makes no sense at all and you feel like you’re losing your mind.
Well, you aren’t, you haven’t, and you won’t. But it’s hard work to break out of that lavender
haze and see the reality of what and whom you’re dealing with when the answer is pretty
heartbreaking. Despite feeling disillusioned, embarrassed, devastated, and myriad other
emotions about your narcissistic relationship, you do have choices. If your relationship is one of months or of years, you can reclaim your own power and autonomy and break free of the abusive relationship. You can rebuild your resilience and your self-esteem and create a healthier life for yourself. Ultimately, whether you choose to go or to stay in the relationship is entirely your choice. It can be complicated by the presence of children, financial concerns, religious/personal beliefs, and many other factors. You may decide to stay in the relationship and if so, need to learn how to manage it so you can be as strong and healthy as possible and able to take really good care of yourself. Because you will be the one doing the work and must rely solely on yourself to meet your needs and find emotional support outside of the relationship. It takes hard, hard work and the help of the people who love you, and people who understand the nature of narcissistic abuse like qualified mental health professionals, but you can do it. Recovery and healing take time and a lot of effort, but you’re worth it.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula has a brilliant video about how to become resistant to love bombing and breaks down the different types of love bombing and who is most vulnerable to them. I strongly recommend you take 15 minutes and watch it!
Dr. Ramani shares what love bombing from a vulnerable (often called “covert”) narcissist looks like:
Thank you for reading!
You’ve been Smudged,
Tracy
Looking for more Support?
If you found yourself nodding along while reading this article, please know that you're not alone.
One of the most painful consequences of narcissistic abuse is the feeling that nobody else could possibly understand what you've experienced. Yet every week I meet thoughtful, intelligent, caring people who have found themselves caught in the same confusing cycle of idealization, self-doubt, gaslighting, and heartbreak.
Healing is possible.
If you'd like support on that journey, I offer individual therapy and also a support group for survivors of narcissistic abuse. I would be honored to talk with you about your experience and help you determine what type of support feels right for you.
You can schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn more.
Dr. Tracy Brottem
Northfield Dynamic Therapy