Grief is Not a Competition

I’ve heard many variations of people’s need to justify or apologize for the pain that is embedded in their loss. Perhaps you’ve experienced this when trying to console someone or you’ve been the one to utter the words, “I should just get past it, I know.” Okay, you should just get past it because…why? Because it was just your cat or just your dog or it was just a distant relation or it was just a friendship or it was just your dream job or it was just your relationship or it was just your physical ability to do gymnastics/sing/run/ski …I could fill this entire page with examples of how your loss is supposedly not enough to qualify for that ultimate descriptor of heartrending pain and emptiness: grief.

Yeah…no. I refuse. I refuse to agree with the voice in your head (or coming from anyone else) that tries to diminish your feelings because the what or whom you lost isn’t considered important enough or big enough or relatable enough to warrant true grief. As if grief requires any element of “truth” beyond this: you lost something that you valued, something that had meaning for you, and its absence hurts like Hell. Think of the stories that resonate with you and notice how often loss extends beyond the standard loss of a very close loved one. Yes, Harry lost his parents as a baby, but he also grieved over the loss of his owl (I cry every time), his mentor, and even his wand. Frodo and Sam mourned for The Shire; Smeagol mourned for the One Ring; Thor mourned for his hammer; Eleanor and Marianne mourned for their family home; Captain Kirk mourned for his ship. You can see where I’m going with this. Granted, it may seem silly to include such examples in a blog about a profoundly serious topic but would any of those stories have been so impactful (on the millions of people necessary to make them so enormously successful) if we couldn’t relate to feeling similarly hurt over losses that others may not understand?

As reasonably self-aware human beings, there are instances when trying to maintain a sense of perspective and proportion may be helpful and even healthy. When you experience disappointment or an unexpected challenge or life just bloody sucks in general, trying to remind yourself that you could be in a worse spot or have less or be without any support at all can be beneficial. However – and this is a BIG however – so it should really be HOWEVER - being mindful of the difficulties you are not currently faced with and being grateful for that does not mean you should invalidate what you are going through. I commend your efforts to remind yourself of the blessings in your life when you’re having a rough stretch. I commend your efforts to feel compassion and empathy for those who are facing horrible realities. And…you are still the person who must experience your challenges and deal with your troubles. And that includes grieving your losses.

You do not need to justify your grief to anyone. Grieving is not quantified by a system that validates one person’s grief as worse than yours. Pain is pain. It is not a competition to decide whose loss is most worthy of the word “grief.” Please don’t give credence to anyone who suggests that your loss cannot be painful enough or meaningful enough or raw enough to be worthy of grieving. There is no “best used by” date on your grieving and no expiration date for your loss. Maybe someone told you, “Get over it already! It’s been long enough!” Yeah? Says who? Perhaps you’re struggling and need more support to manage your grief - that’s okay. Perhaps you feel like you just can’t “get over it” – that’s okay, too. Mourning a loss is a natural process that we humans somehow manage to do, over and over in our lives, despite pain that seems unendurable at times. Who am I to say what should or should not cause that depth of sadness for a person? I am here to bear witness to your grief, to validate it, to comfort you, to acknowledge your experience, to hold onto you when you can no longer hold on…and to hold you up as you rise again, which you will, when you’re ready. Until that time, you can describe your loss in any way that you wish to and you can ask for and accept support without apology.

Thank you for reading, and I’m so sorry for your loss.

Tracy

Please note: the information in these blogs is not intended to be used to diagnose yourself or someone you know and especially not someone you’re currently mad at... These blogs are intended for general psychoeducation and entertainment. The information is not intended to replace the medical or psychiatric advice you would receive when working with a mental health professional. It is always okay to ask for help! I encourage you to do so if you’re struggling or just need some extra care and support. If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 988 or text “Help” to 741741, call 911 or visit your nearest emergency room. There are many people ready and eager to help you.